What the hell
by dilang-anghel
Summary: Did you ever wonder why that kind of stuff in the anime and manga happens? We were not given answers that's why we write fanfics like this. D:
1. Belts

**Disclaimer: I don't own Claymore and its characters. They all belong to Norihiro Yagi.**

**Anime: Claymore**

**-BELTS-**

**Warning: mild language**

**A/N: I wrote this at 3am. . . so what the hell.**

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A claymore with elven ears hid from the thick array of trees as a caravan passed by. One man decided to take a pee along the road. . . so they stopped for a while.

It's been a month now since that encounter with Priscilla. She barely made it alive after that fatal blow. It would have been nice if she found her arm in order to rejoin it but to her dismay the vultures thought it was happy meal. Anyways. . . she was surprised that she still made it. But no way is she going back to the organization. Uh-uh.

She had enough. Even though she loved Teresa with all her heart she could not deny that she's already dead and no way she's going to face Priscilla again. She could not afford to lose another limb. Besides, dealing shit like this was never fun.

What was fun for her was wearing belts.

Yes, folks, belts.

Ever since she was young she had a fascination for belts. A whole bunch that could wrap around your body or around your arms. It excites her somewhat wearing those. The feeling of being wrapped around with belts for her is life-altering. However, when she was still in the organization she made it a secret for fear what the others might think of her.

But now that she's not involve in any organization or yoma anymore she'd pursue her dream of becoming. . . the Belt Dominatrix.

Slowly but surely she approached the man in the middle of his business.

"Hey," she called in dark tone.

The man jolted in surprise. "What the $#2 lady can you give me a room?" When he looked up he saw her silver eyes and blond hair. "NYaaaah, a Claymore!"

"Shut your trap."

The man nodded in fear forgetting to pull up his pants properly.

"You're a merchant aren't you?"

The man nodded again.

"Do you have some belts?"

"Y-yes, I think we have a handful."

"Good."

Irene handed out a pouch of gold of pieces to the merchant. "Now show me the goods and help me strap."

"W-what?" The merchant was confused at first as the claymore raised her eyebrows and showed her decapitated arm. "And please do it discreetly I am on the run now. I don't want anyone to know I'm here."

"I get it. I get it." The man then attended to his pants. "Geesh."

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Not the End. . . yet.


	2. Dreams and Voices

**Disclaimer: I don't own Claymore and its characters. They all belong to Norihiro Yagi. I also don't own Gundam Seed and Noir.**

**Anime: Claymore**

**-Dreams and Voices-**

**Warning: slight OOCness**

**A/N: What I discovered during a research. D:**

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Clare woke up from her short sleep. A dream has shaken her a bit after their encounter with Riful, Dauf and Galatea.

She was not surprised to see Jean awake. She was watching her intently like some sort of a lover.

"Jean. . . I think I just have the weirdest dream," Clare said in a low voice.

Jean saw the confusion written all over Clare's face. "It seemed bothering you. Tell me about it."

"I was inside this big ship and I can hear myself calling someone named Murrue Ramius." Clare shook her head. "I'm not sure what she looked like but she sure sounded like you. You have the same voice."

Jean crossed her arms as she listened

"A-and she called me. . . Natarle Badgiruel." Clare continued. "What does that mean?"

Jean nodded. "Honestly, I have a similar dream."

Clare leaned forward in curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"In my dream you called me Mirielle then I replied calling you Kirika."

After that there was an eerie silence.

---

Somewhere in the North.

"Why what's the matter?" Isley asked when she saw Priscilla got up from her slumber.

"I just have a weird dream," Priscilla said softly.

"What kind of dream?"

"I was an obsessed assassin. And my name is Chloe."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_still not the end. . ._


	3. Seven Years

**Disclaimer: I don't own Claymore and its characters. They all belong to Norihiro Yagi. **

**Anime: Claymore**

**-Seven Years-**

**A/N: For those who find it hard to get chap2, Houko Kawashima is the voice actress of Clare (Claymore), Natarle (Gundam Seed) and Kirika (Noir). Kotono Mitsuishi is Jean (Claymore), Murrue (Gundam Seed) and Mirielle (Noir). Aya Hisakawa voices Priscilla (Claymore) and Chloe (Noir). The characters they voiced over were often at each other's necks if not close friends. **

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_So how about that? Finally, we were busted after we saved a team from getting killed by a yoma._

_Actually it's been seven years. Seven long years of nothing but white snow all over the place. Not much have happened since that fateful day._

_(munches apple)_

_Okay, let's have a little flashback._

_The pills did actually work to minimize our yoki. It was a great plan of Miria. We're pretty lucky that some awakened beings are downright dumb._

_After they left, we buried our comrades who lost in battle. Though we have a hard time finding whose body part is whom since most of them were decapitated if not pulverized. God, it was like looking for puzzles. Anyway, it was a bit messy but we all managed._

_(swallows)_

_And you thought the drama ended right then and there. It actually took them a months to grieve and forget about everything. And every time Clare cries over Jean and Flora, Deneve kicks her on the face for being so emo. If I know, I heard Deneve mumbled Undine's name when she sleeps. . ._

_Believe me, I've tried almost everything to lighten them up. I even brought up my bar jokes that made Deneve laugh when we first met. . . which by the way she told me not to tell anyone. But none of them seemed to make her laugh._

_I almost gave up when Miria stood up and said. "Let's change our uniforms and start anew!"_

_I said, "Wow, that's great Miria, what kind of uniform do you have in mind?"_

_"Leather."_

_D:_

_I have a feeling that she took the fashion statement from the belt straps on Clare's right arm._

_We may be good in swords but we don't know how to sew._

_Seven years._

_Yes, seven years._

_We did nothing but our uniforms._

_One year for each._

_God, what a waste of time._

_(sigh)_

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

and again.


	4. Bad Hair Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own Claymore and its characters. They all belong to Norihiro Yagi. **

**Anime: Claymore**

**-Bad Hair Day-**

**A/N: Setting is kinda random. This is unedited. Slight Galatea x Flora**

* * *

Galatea stared at the statue of Clare and Teresa. She thought how weird it is to have their wings attached that way. She scratched her chin while trying to look serious. The townspeople gathered around wondering what the long haired claymore was doing.

"At least they aren't named Alicia and Beth," she told herself.

A young girl tugged her cape. "Hey, pretty lady, what are you doing?"

Galatea turned and gave her a warm smile. "I'm just admiring this beautiful statue of yours."

The young girl's mother pulled her away for fear of what she might do. She's used to it though but some of them just couldn't stop ogling at her. Aside from the usual thought that she's a half yoma, Galatea doesn't mind the silent admiration she draws from town to town. Aside from reading yoki, she could also tell what ordinary people are thinking.

Their silent whispers all praising her looks.

"Oh, wow, what a stunning beauty!"

"She's gorgeous. I wish she weren't a Claymore."

"If only my wife looks like that. . . "

"Ooh, what a perfect hair!"

Galatea's ears are clapping with joy. She is indeed beautiful. One doesn't have to work hard if you are Galatea. Of course, she has to maintain that, especially her hair. It is the only thing that reminded her of her past life. Indeed she has that sort of vanity.

A vanity that is oh so very human.

But when she woke up from the other day, there's this major problem that's been troubling her.

"Why are you here, Galatea-san?" a familiar soft spoken voice came from her behind. It was the Organization's number eight, Flora.

To Galatea, Flora was one of the prettiest Claymores she has ever seen alive that is, that'd be aside from herself.

"Hmm, you're looking fine." Galatea narrowed her eyes and smiled. "I finished early, just wanted to check on you."

"Check on me?"

Galatea crossed her arms and turned the other way. "Nothing, I just needed to talk to you on something." She couldn't tell her right away that her hair is dry and having split ends.

"So you were watching me?" Flora's voice was almost a whisper fearing that God-Eye Galatea noticed her over the top yoki emission a while ago. That would be bad for her record. Or, that Galatea is actually interested in her? She heard rumors of Galatea from Jean but one shouldn't rely on hearsay.

"I bet it's not that hard for you." Galatea sat down the edge of the plaza fountain.

"I guess not."

Galatea sighed. "How enviable."

"Hmm? What?"

"Never mind. Let's go." Galatea winked. She took a brown leather bag lying before her and started walking.

"You are quite energetic today, Galatea-san." Flora followed with amusement.

"You are as well."

Flora blushed.

"He-he."

"What seems to be in the bag? Gold?" Flora said trying to change the subject.

"No, it's aloe vera."

"Aloe vera? The one you've been using for your hair?"

Galatea nodded. "Yeah, I need some sort of assistance."

"Is that what you need me for?" Flora said her voice still calm.

"Windcutter."

Flora raised an eyebrow. "Windcutter? As in my windcutter?"

"I mean, you can get rid of these split ends, can't you?"

"Huh?"

"In return, I won't tell the Organization you half awakened back there. Deal?"

". . ."

* * *

a/n: ehehehe. I'm just wondering how they got those modern haircuts. This came up. Peace.


	5. Rubber

**-Rubber-**

by: dilang-anghel

disclaimer: I don't own Claymore and its characters.

warning: minor suggestive themes. Helen x Deneve subtext

Settings: Helen and Deneve before they met Clare and Miria.

* * *

"Yo!"

Deneve glanced up. "Oh, it's you again."

Helen waved and grinned like a dog. They've been together for many missions now. For Deneve, Helen may be a bit offbeat for a companion but this weird woman actually changed her views in life. It changed her too much, it overwhelms her.

"Helen, you looked like trash."

Helen scratched her head and laughed at herself. "Couldn't help it."

Her sleeves and pants have been tattered down due to her ability to extend her limbs. It's a trait that she must use in caution because it attracts attention to the higher ups. Also lately, there are numerous cases of awakenings that results from this. For someone who could regenerate at an alarming speed Deneve must admit that she suffers the same case of problem.

Helen went for the spare armoury to change. "I just got back from a kill, y'know. I couldn't believe you got here first though since I'm from the nearest town."

"Couldn't help it."

"I bet it's a big one today."

"Hm."

"I heard we're going on fours for this mission."

"Yeah, it might be an awakened being hunt."

"You've had one, right?"

"Yeah."

"So Deneve, what does it feel like?"

"What do you mean?"

"Fighting with one?"

Deneve crossed her arms and looked away while Helen was undressing. "It depends."

"Depends with what?"

"With the strategy. By the way, why don't you use the black edition?"

"What black edition?"

Deneve pointed at the black tights near the pauldrons across the equipment area. "Those elastic ones."

"The black rubber?"

"Yes."

"I thought they were just misplaced goods."

"Misplaced goods?"

Helen went to Deneve and whispered to her ear as if somebody outside would hear them. "You know, where the guys put it on so that their wives won't get pregnant."

Deneve made a bored face. "That's absurd, Helen."

"You think so?"

Deneve took one. "Besides it has holes and it's made to fit your arm and thighs."

"But it appeared too tight!" Helen complained. "Are you sure that would fit my thighs? It wouldn't even fit my arms. I swear it's made for the guys."

Deneve stared at the black elastic rubber she's holding and couldn't fathom a guy's... _Dammit Helen._

"What's with that look?" Helen asked after Deneve became awfully quiet.

Helen took a step backward while Deneve moved forward.

"Iyaaa, stop!" Deneve caught Helen's arm and tried to shove the piece of rubber on it. Helen squirmed as if she were being molested by a thousand yoma. "Deneve, it's sooo tight!"

Meanwhile. Outside.

"What's with that dirty noise?" Miria stopped on her tracks when she heard someone moaning inside the equipment cabin. "Maybe I'll stop by later when they are finished." The number six made a heel turn so as not to interrupt.

"Wait. I thought we Claymore don't have urges?" Miria murmured to herself and held up her chin.

Several struggles later.

"Well, what do you know?" Helen said while stretching her limbs. "It actually felt nice."

"I told you." Deneve wiped a sweat and sat down. "Crap, you wore me out."


End file.
